CRITICS can't hurt Scientology, Hollywood's leading independent religion. They've been trying for decades.
But competition might.
Compared to the celebrities who've been hawking Scientology since the '80s - Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley - the recent converts to kabbalah study pack far brighter starpower: Ashton & Demi, Madonna and even Britney Spears.
These boldface names have made starwatching a primary pursuit at the Beverly Hills Kabbalah Center, as unlikely a place as you can imagine to find the glamour crowd.
It's hard to picture Madonna hanging out in this one-story former youth center that combines Spanish missionary architecture with Taco Bell.
But there she was on Saturday, exiting the humble center in a "Cult Member" T-shirt after one of the center's jam-packed Shabbat services.
Ashton and Demi are regulars on Sabbath - where worshippers gather out front in all-white outfits - and they recently attended a Purim party there in pastel-colored onesies.
Unlike other celebrity hotspots, this one is open to the public and has no velvet rope.
Anyone can walk in and buy famous bottled kabbalah water, infused with "positive energy" that claims to cure cancer. (It's a bargain as cancer cures go, at just $3 per 1.5 liters.)
You won't see Madonna's recent "Kabbalists Do It Better" T-shirt for sale, but you can purchase the red string bracelet she gives out to friends, for only $26. (According to kabbalah.com, it "protects us from the influences of the evil eye.")
The non-famous are coming out in spades. An introductory class attended by The Post included a dazzling beauty from South Africa, a visitor from the Houston Kabbalah Center and a woman whose hungry infant continually tried, with mixed success, to acquire dinner by making like Justin Timberlake at the Super Bowl.
Pens, scrap paper and course registration forms were stacked neatly on the tables, but there was no food to be found. What? A Jewish event with not even a bagel? How did Roseanne Barr put up with this?
The teacher was a schlubbily attired Zero Mostel-ringer whose eyes were like big brown yarmulkes.
"If a martial artist can break a block of wood with his mind," Zero asks, "can't we remove a little calcium deposit from our clogged arteries?"
It's easy to see Madonna digging Zero - in a Deepak Chopra kind of way.
Kabbalah is based on the Zohar, a 23-volume set of books on Jewish mysticism written 3,800 years ago, entirely in Mel Gibson's native Aramaic.
Its numerology and symbology promise the secret to consciousness-raising powers.
And here's the best part for non-Jewish celebs: the center claims that merely scanning the Zohar will cause its magic to rub off; you don't even have to know how to read the Hebrew letters.
"It's the God of the Jews, Christians and Muslims," Zero explains. "Jesus, Mohammed and Moses all studied kabbalah."
Instead of working together as a human race toward spiritual enlightenment, the followers of these three prophets "ended up picking hockey teams instead," he explains.
"Buried in a 3,800-year-
old book are concepts that can change your life in the here and now," he says.
"We don't know all that's inside of us that we can tap into - and that's the problem."
Such positive thinking makes it easy to see why kabbalah attracts the famous, whose vibes are perpetually harshed by lost roles and "Celebrities Uncensored" on E!
At the introductory session, everyone seemed impressed by Zero's logic. Seven students fill out the registration slip for the full 10-week course, which runs $270.
You would think the exit from what critics have labeled a "cult" would be much harder than the entrance for those who don't sign up.
But nobody mentioned eternal damnation or the evil eye to this reporter on the way out. Apparently, Kabbalah is the Honda Civic of belief systems: it sells itself.
Either that, or Madonna is all the pitch they need.