SALT LAKE CITY - In Utah, Troy Mitchell is considered pure pioneer stock. His ancestors arrived here in covered wagons. A Mormon, he married a Mormon woman, and surged up the hierarchy of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
When the church discovered last year that Mitchell was gay, his world, so tightly wound around his life as ''an LDS person,'' quickly began to unravel. He lost his family, his job, and his position in the church.
While gay Mormons known to be sexually active are sometimes forced out of the church, Mitchell and a growing number of openly gay Mormons, encouraged by national gay organizations, have been stepping out of the closet while clinging to their religious identity.
Their openness has placed the church in an awkward position as it basks in the spotlight of the 2002 Olympics. The church has seized the moment to attempt to reshape its image by welcoming all races and cultures to the games. But behind the cameras, the church is still having trouble wrapping its powerful arms around some of its own.
''That is what hurts the most,'' said Mitchell, 39. ''As an LDS person, the church is more than just Easter and Christmas. It's a way of life.''
Michael Austin, a sixth-generation Mormon and a professor at Shepherd University in West Virginia, said, ''Being gay and Mormon is a terrible position to be in, because one part of who you are conflicts with the other.''
Mormon doctrine declares homosexuality immoral, a ''serious sin.'' But feelings of ''same-sex attraction'' are not sinful and can be redirected, the church teaches.
Publicly, the church has softened its position on homosexuality. Harold Brown, a church spokesman, said that homosexuals are welcomed as long as they abstain from sexual activity for a lifetime. The church holds gays to the same standards as unmarried heterosexuals, he said.
But Millie Watts, a Mormon who has two gay children, said that, in practice, gay Mormons have no place in the church, which places great emphasis on the family unit. She said they are shunned, encouraged to enter reparative therapy, or urged to form relationships with members of the opposite sex. If sexually active, gays are often excommunicated.
''Our son's excommunication was like a death,'' said Watts, 60, who is cochairwoman, with her husband, of a family support group for gay Mormons. Her lesbian daughter recently removed her name from the church's records. Mormons believe that family members, with the exception of someone who is excommunicated, will be together during the afterlife.
Gordon B. Hinckley is the church's president and is regarded by the 11 million Mormons worldwide as a prophet. ''People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves so-called gays and lesbians,'' he has said. ''My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God.''
But, Hinckley continued, ''We cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to hold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex situation.''
The church fought hard against same-sex marriage laws in Hawaii and California and threatened to withdraw its Boy Scouts sponsorship, the nation's largest, if gays were allowed to be scoutmasters.
Academic specialists like Austin say that Hinckley's position against homosexuality is not very different from that of Catholics or Baptists, but few religions dominate a state the way Mormons do Utah. Changing the rules for homosexuals in the church would force it to change the core of its belief system, which is deeply tied to the idea of a nuclear family, Austin said.
But Utah's largest city has been moving toward a more tolerant outlook. Last year, 70,000 people attended a gay pride parade in Salt Lake City. Mayor Rocky Anderson, one of the state's few liberal politicians, won election partly because of his strong support from the gay community.
The National Gay and Lesbian Taskforce in Washington has visited Utah and encourages the church to accept their gay members like everyone else, said the Rev. Kenneth South, who works for the organization's religious arm.
Both Mitchell and Clay Essig, who is also gay and Mormon, say they have held on to their religion and their sexuality by not focusing on the words of the elders, but on Jesus Christ's professions of love for everyone.
Mitchell goes to church meetings, but he is not as active as he used to be. Sometimes he is more comfortable praying at home with other gay Mormons.
In the beginning, Mitchell's church leader was supportive, but later Mitchell was pressured to change his sexual orientation.
So Mitchell left a small town in eastern Utah, quit his job as city manager, and recently divorced his wife. He is in a relationship with another Mormon man and has moved to Salt Lake City, but he said the stigma has followed him.
Essig revealed his sexual orientation to his bishop, told him of visits to gay bars and a desire to have a partner one day. Because he remains celibate, Essig, who is in his early 40s, is allowed to teach Sunday school.
Essig and Mitchell said their family members don't associate with them.
Still, Essig, a documentary filmmaker, has struggled for years to be both Mormon and gay. He followed the church's advice and sought reparative therapy. He came close to taking shock therapy. He prayed and fasted. Like Mitchell, he thought of killing himself. Eventually he left Utah and became involved with a man, but his love for his religion drew him back to the state.
''Coming back as a gay man in Utah was like being a Jew and trying to sneak into Berlin in the 1940s,'' Essig said.