He said ... You know, life is incredibly stupid, but only some of us notice it. I could give you some examples, but if you haven't noticed for yourself already, then you're probably more of a Cause than a Solution.
Now don't get me wrong -- everyone does stupid things once in awhile. What seems like a good idea at the time can become a monstrous embarrassment later. Just ask Bill Clinton, or Gary Condit.
But, you make a mistake once -- that's naive. You make the same mistake a second time -- that's stupid. Do it a third time, and you'd better go get some therapy.
Nature does have a way of eliminating the chronically stupid. A case in point, gleaned from the fact-filled pages of the Internet: Not too long ago, a guy was despondent over breaking up with his girlfriend. Their argument had something to do with her 13 cats. Anyway, he goes to an overpass and starts throwing rocks at the cars below. After he finally hits one, he jumps backwards from the rail to do a little celebration dance in the street, and an 18 wheeler runs right over him, killing him. And the truck was carrying kitty litter. Ironic, isn't it?
Now, there are several ways of interpreting that story. If you're strong and tough minded, it's a comedy -- he got what he deserved. If you're soft and sentimental -- it's a tragedy -- a waste of human life. But if you're more open-minded, you see that it's a science story. An example of how nature weeds the stupid people from out of the gene pool so they can't reproduce. Darwin smiles as evolution thins the herd. Only the smart survive.
Okay, that's one example of just how stupid life can be. It's also an example of how things are getting better.But we still have a long way to go. You still can't turn on the television or read the newspaper without being astonished at the rampant stupidity prevalent in our society.
What bothers me the most, though, are these violent men who stalk their ex-girlfriends. What crossbred genetic abnormality motivates a man to pursue a woman who does not want him? Why can't he take "no" for an answer? What biological advantage is there in killing your ex-girlfriend's boyfriend?
But after all, the idiot ends up in prison, where again, nature has effectively stopped him from reproducing -- if not from romancing.
Another thing that reaffirms my belief in the stupidity of life is the story of guys who get married four or five times. And each time they really expect that it's going to work. It's as if they think there's nothing wrong with them, and the problem is that they just made some unlucky choices. Five times in a row. Come on, buddy, your tuxedo still has guacamole stains from the last wedding reception.
After the second failed marriage, you should have moved into a monastery and devoted your life to helping the poor. I think that multiple divorcees should be forced to take a test, like a driver's exam, before they're allowed to date again.
I guess the only thing worse than getting married four different times to four different women is getting married just once to four different women. Multiple wives ... that's not stupid. That's just plain crazy.
She said ... There was a big to-do on the news and in the papers about a Mormon in Utah who had multiple wives some time ago. Polygamy is an interesting phenomenon and one we don't profess to understand. True, good men are hard to find, but to look at this guy, you'd think he'd be the last one on earth a bunch of women would want to do a time share on.
We realize that, in a man's view, the only thing better than sex is more of it. theoretically, more of it with more partners would have to approach nirvana.
In our experience, little girls don't grow up dreaming about marrying the same man all their friends married. Did they all share the same boyfriend in high school? Did one guy take eight girls to the prom?
To our way of thinking, polygamy is an unnatural state. No shortage of those in our society, but this lifestyle seems to be just plain freaky. Utah banned the practice in 1890, but there are still an estimated 100,000 people in polygamous families in the desert states. It's gotta be the heat.
We'd like to see women in these polygamist relationships revolt and sue the guy for alimony and child support, or worse, make him pass a test in which he has to correctly recite each wife's birthday and wedding anniversary or be denied any further conjugal visits. He'd be celibate the rest of his life.
Wonder what hubby would do if some liberated honey from the real world cozied up to him and whispered in his ear, "You won't need no harem, honey, when I'm by your side." Of course, that would happen only at Midnight at the Oasis, never in real life. We don't think he could handle it.
The women we know would last about five seconds in a polygamous setting. The first time one of the wives rearranged the silverware in the kitchen drawer, it'd be all over but the cryin'. And heaven help her if one of them thought her kid was cuter, smarter, better at soccer, etc. The husband would need to change his flannel shirt to referee stripes.
Maybe we're just too closed-minded to understand other cultures. We'll admit we could possibly warm to the idea of a built-in support system with the other wives. We'd just need to get used to the idea that the jerk of a husband we were complaining about was also their husband. Then again, who else could better understand what we're saying? Especially down the road a bit when we've all had the chance to see his true colors. Maybe he's a slob and throws his clothes everywhere. Maybe he picks his teeth after dinner or snores so loudly we've considered removing his adenoids with a pair of pliers.
After all, if there were, say, five wives, we'd be putting up with only one fifth of what we normally have to take. If he was annoying us too much, we could devise ingenious ways to get even with him. Sort of a tag-team approach to nagging. One could get it started, then pass the baton to the next wife when she got tired. The concept has definite possibilities.
We do know this: with the high divorce rate, it's clear that one-on-one marriages just aren't cutting it, so it would seem something new is called for. Maybe we're just jealous and want our fair share. Give us five or six hubbies at our beck and call.
Call it hubbygamist.
Hey, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.